FAMOUS LAST WORDS.

.Saturday, July 7, 2007 ' 11:55 PM

JOKE #1

mom: "wake up son, it's time for you to go to school."

son: "but mom, i don't wanna go to school."

mom: "give me 2 reasons why you don't wanna go to school."

son: "firstly, the students don't like me."
son: "secondly the teachers don't like me."

son: "give me 2 reasons why i should go to school?"

mom: "firstly, u are 52 years old, secondly, you're the principal!"
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JOKE #2

While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"Understandably curious, the man says,"Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, "This just isn't gonna be your day."

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JOKE #3

Hung Cheong calls the office and says, "Hey boss, I no come work today, I vely vely sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs ache, I no come work."

The manager says, "You know something, Cheong, I really need you today. Whenever I feel the way you feel right now, I will go to my wife and tell her to have sex with me. That makes everything better, and I will go to work. Why won't you try that?"

Two hours later Hung Cheong calls again. "I do what you say and I feel vely good. I come work vely quick. And Boss,

You house vely nice."

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JOKE #4

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

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JOKE #5

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky

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JOKE #6

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient." "OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me. I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says,

"It's swollen."

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JOKE #7

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken."

You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager."

He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."