FAMOUS LAST WORDS.

.Saturday, March 29, 2008 ' 8:11 PM

Hmmm, more jokes! (:
Will get pretty busy for the next two weeks, so dont bother trying to date me, i'll date you. hahaha! =X
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My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend?

She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.

That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age,
wore tight mini-skirts, and low cut blouses.

She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom , and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car
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A man had been troubled by his inability to achieve an erection. After visiting numerous doctors and not getting any help he decided to consult a witch doctor.

The witch doctor threw some herbs in the fire,shook his rattle,and danced wildly. When he was through he said,"I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. When you are ready just say...1,2,3, and you will get the largest erection that you have ever had.

After your wife has been satisfied she simply has to say, 1,2,3,4, and it will be gone for one year."

Later that night as the man lay in bed he said to his wife,"Watch this! 1,2,3!" His organ sprang to life, larger and stiffer than ever before.

His wife was amazed, she smiled and said,"That's great! But what did you say 1,2,3, for?
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Holes.....
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.
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Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.

While touring a reservation during the documentary, she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So she asked a brave why he had only one feather in his headdress and his reply was, "Only have one woman -- one woman, one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking, she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress, and he replied, "Me have two women-- two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. "Big, small, fat and tall - me sleep with 'em all!"

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile." The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me sleep with 'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh, dear. "The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."
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There was this guy,Tom, who really loved his girlfriend. He loved her so much that he wanted to tattoo her name,"Wendy" on his dick. So he went to his friend who specializes in tattooing.

His friend then suggested doing the tattoo while his dick is erected so that the name can be tattooed bigger and clearer. Tom agreed and went to erect his dick and had "Wendy" tattooed on it. He was very satisfied, there was a "Wy" on his dick when not erected and he dreamt of surprising his girlfriend by showing her the change from "Wy" to "Wendy" when he gets hard.

So he called her quickly and arranged a meeting that evening. Before their date, he went to the toilet to piss and there he met this American with a "Wy" on his dick too, when he was pissing at the urinal.

Thinking that this American might have tattooed his girlfriend's name too, Tom confronted him. The American denied, saying that it is not Tom's girlfriend's name.

Tom wouldn't accept verbal denial and suggested erecting both their dicks to compare. The American agreed and they both started arousing themselves. Tom was first to erect and was proud to show the American, saying," Look, this is my girlfriend's name, Wendy."

The American soon erected his dick and showed to Tom and said," Look, it is not your girlfriend's name." It said," Welcome to America and have a nice day".
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Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over. He felt sore for two weeks.
Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.
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The polar bear said:- "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting did you?"
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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there
was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the
president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady,

"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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hahahaha. Nights! (: