My laptop conked out last night, was kinda pissed, i slammed it against the table, and this morning, it turned out fine!(: Sometimes, somethings need a beating to wake up. haha.
This week's photoshoot was cancelled and my manager told me say, he wanna book bungalow in bintan for the shoot, half excited, half disappointed. Trying out something new would be good, and bintan is a beautiful place to be enjoying the day for the shoot, but i doubt my mum would allow even thou its only a one day event, go and come back within the day, so.. i guess, i dont think i'll be going.
Been hanging out lately, playing Mahjong, supper, slacking, wasting time. Thats my current life, i just dread going to school so badly, that first week of school, i only attended on monday and wednesday. The rest, i just slp in.
I really cant wait to get into NS to have my freedom. Everyone question me, thinking i'm crazy. Because, going into NS equals no freedom. But in my case, it is different. I'll have freedom from my family, not letting them worry, where am i. As going home nowadays seems like a chore to me. I so dread going home, i would sit downstairs alone. Talking to myself. Maybe.
I dunwan my mum to wait for me to come back home before she could sleep peacefully, some of you would say, they rather their mum do that, at least it shows she loves me. But i dont need it, i dunwan. I'm a grown up, let go of me. I cant be always under her wing, disallowing me to fly. I want to fly.
The more i'm being kept, the more i wanna fly. From young till now, till old. I'm always the rebelious child in this family. Almost got killed by my father's beatings countless of times. Life isnt easy for me, in this family. Its not just another blow. I feel tired and numb.
The thoughts of ending my life seems near, the sucidal thoughts, the how to make sure i would die 100%ly. Jumping down the block sounds good, but then again, i've not lived enough, i've not made my first million, i've not drive my new car, i've not repay my parents, i've not married. A thousand and one things i've not done in life, but thoughts of ending it always seems to walk thru my mind every now and then, as i dont have to worry anymore, the disappointment, the shit, the sins i've done, everything just ends. maybe.
For the moment, i find that life sucks. The feeling of tiredness, tiredness of everything. Tired of everything.
Someone asked me before. why do i always sleepsleepsleep? Its because i could end my tiredness and fall into a nice fairytale ending. But thats running away isnt it? And when i wake up, the world turns out the same and it still sucks? And again, its the only way, i could numb myself from the tiredness, if i hold on, i'll breakdown. Somehow.
Jumping off the building and staying alive is just between a thin line, sometime, someday. watch the news alright, would be my last picture you'll ever see.
To me now, life doesnt have a meaning. Someday, i'll just flip a coin, and let the ones above to decide.
Till then.
